Think RITUALS rather than HABITS to create richer relationships.
There have been many recent―and best-selling―books on creating better habits. James Clear’s Atomic Habits, Charles Duhigg’s The Power of Habit and Stephen Covey’s classic The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, are all full of valuable advice. But Michael Norton, an award-winning behavioral scientist, makes a case for rituals in his new book, The Ritual Effect: From Habit to Ritual, Harness the Surprising Power of Everyday Actions. Where Norton sees habits as activities such as brushing your teeth, he defines rituals in this way: “Rituals hold the power to turn the most ordinary acts into the most memorable moments. We use them to increase productivity, pleasure, and purpose in our lives, sometimes without even realizing it.”
Norton makes us more aware of the rituals we already have and encourages us to create new ones as a way to bond more deeply with people in our life and work. Of course, as individuals we can have our own personal and solitary rituals but at Shepa Learning we are interested in how rituals can strengthen and enrich relationships in our networks.
Like most people these days we struggle with staying connected whether it’s face-to-face or through our social networks. In the past decade we’ve noticed that scheduling a meeting with someone requires a month-out window. We have one colleague/friend where it has been a year of scheduling, rescheduling, and we still can’t find a date for lunch or even a coffee! We run into each other at airports and then say, “We’ve gotta do that lunch.” Then another airport ‘bump in’ happens and we still haven’t found a time.
Now you may say, obviously this isn’t important enough for either party to commit to a time. “Perhaps you should just stay connected through social networks, and maybe that’s OK.”
But there are others with whom the value of the relationship is extremely important to both of you, and for these, Norton says you need to create rituals. He suggests you do the same when there is someone new with whom you would love to create a bond or a supportive, special relationship.
Below are some of rituals we have, and interestingly, until we read about Michael Norton’s work on the power of rituals, we didn’t recognize them as such.
I use the New York Times game Connections to touch base with a good friend who lives three time zones away. We report on how we did, but don’t give anything away. For me Connections is a daily ritual that I look forward to, and I love that it is something I do with a friend. ―Gayle
When not together with my partner, we phone each other…same time every night. It is a ritual of sharing the days’ events. ―Judy
When I set up a coffee meeting, I like to meet at a small French patisserie run by lovely Japanese woman. Unlike the incredibly busy coffee place next door, I not only meet here because it is a better place to chat, but I also want to introduce others to this little gem. ―Gayle
Every quarter, I host a Zoom call with friends I met while working in Hong Kong over three decades ago. Despite living across various countries and time zones, we all make it a point to attend. This virtual face-to-face gathering brings us more joy than exchanging emails could ever offer. ―Judy
I love the ritual of ‘Friday happy hour’. There is always one of the groups of friends that I have who are “getting together for happy hour”. I do it with a pickleball group and I don’t even play pickleball. ―Gayle
We write a weekly tip on networking and communication that we send out every Wednesday at 10 am PT. It is a ritual that gives us pleasure and purpose. We have written over a thousand tips since we started doing this in 2004. We don’t plan on stopping. We’d love it if you join this weekly tip ritual of ours. Sign up here. ―Gayle and Judy
As business partners we work remotely, but we have a touch base call every morning (we give each other the weekend off). These conversations cover everything in our work and life. It is a ritual we have been doing for over two decades and it is what has built a richer, deeper relationship. ―Gayle and Judy
Perhaps you may think that some of these things are nothing more than habits, but we see special value in these regular, everyday actions. As Michael Norton says, “Shifting from a ‘habitual’ mindset to a ‘ritual’ mindset can convert ordinary acts from black and white to technicolor.”
Recognize the rituals you have, and create new ones for small moments of joy in your life. It’s so much better to live a life in technicolor.
Please read our tip that relates to this blog: How to make a new relationship stick.
Take Michael Norton’s Habit or Ritual Quiz.
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Gayle Hallgren and Judy Thomson
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